I had a dream last night that I was having a conversation with my tax preparer. (If you've been following my blog, you know that I had been really disappointed by the way my last preparer handled a major tax credit I am eligible for. Well, I switched to a highly recommended CPA and am confident that she knows what she is doing, but found out yesterday that I will still owe the government a little money. So much for the large tax refund I was counting on!) I haven't actually met her in real life; because I came to her so late in the season, I had to just drop off my papers and we've spoken on the phone a couple of times. Anyway, in my dream, she was asking me why, since clearly I had been beaten up my life so much lately, I didn't take that as a sign that I should move out of NYC. And I was really taken aback that she would step into my life so objectively and ask the question which I have been asking myself so often as of late. Why, when I am getting nowhere with doctors, money or Rahul's education do I continue to stay here? Is God really directing me to leave New York and move in with my parents until I can get my family on a better track? In my dream I answered her emphatically, NO. I am sure that I should stay here. I told her that there is a big difference between God shutting doors (which to me signifies that its time to move on and change direction) and a person falling down over and over and being called to rise up again.
I woke up and lay in bed pondering this idea. Actually, I marveled at my unconscious self's wisdom! I can't tell you how, exactly, but there is a definite difference between a door being closed and stumbling through trials. And I know I am meant to press on in my present circumstance. There are just enough positive signs to keep me fighting. Every Wednesday morning I get to talk and pray with my dear friend Jenny, who calls me without fail at 6am. I told her about my dream and as I did, I thought of a phrase that I've seen in the Bible, "little by little". I told her that I really believe that my blessings will increase little by little. I am not going to get a big tax refund this year that will cover all my outstanding bills. I will continue to work and grow my business (which is growing quickly!) and earn the money to pay things off, little by little. Rahul will learn to read little by little. We will find mental health solutions and adoptive family resources little by little. Something about that idea really comforts me.
I was curious what the context of the phrase "little by little" was, Biblically, so I looked it up. In one instance it refers to Israel's conquest of the promised land. God told them He would drive out their enemies little by little, rather than all at once, because otherwise the wild animals would multiply around them (Deut. 7:22). In another context God states that "he who gathers money little by little makes it grow" (Prov.13:11) Something about that principal makes sense to me. Maybe we value things more when we work for them. Maybe we God differently when He aids us in helping ourselves, rather than pouring blessings in our lap. Not sure exactly, but I think I'm about to find out!