The Green Monster

Rahul on The Green Monster

Four years ago I bought my dream car.  Ever since I was little and I would see the neighbor's yellow jeep whizzing down Thrall Road I loved Jeep Wranglers.  And when I bought it I had just said goodbye to my very boring Ford Something-or-Other car.  Does anyone else (besides my family) name their cars?  I've had a "Chuckie", named after the Chuckie movies, because that car was a little possessed.  Then of course I had the famous "Putt-putt".  I bought that car for $100 from a friend and it was a 20 year old Audi that had no working air/radio/odometer/radiator.  It made the putt-putt noise whenever I drove it.  That boring Ford was named Bruce.  I don't know why--it just seemed like a Bruce.   (Sorry to Libby who's Bruce is nothing close to boring!  If I'd known him then I would have name my car something else.  Like Bob.)  

When Bruce died I was in a bit of a pickle because my job at Aveda required me to drive to salons every day and I was suddenly renting cars and taking long bus rides to the Hamptons to do my job.  I had a boss at the time who was, like, oh, How can I describe him?  Totally incompetent.  I tried to explain to him that when I had been hired, owning a car was not in my job description; over time I had inherited some accounts that I was able to take because I happened to have a car.  I was trying to argue that Aveda couldn't force me to buy a car and instead should rent me a car twice a week.   He didn't buy it.  He told me to go buy a Jetta.

Instead, I decided to buy a car that would make me happy.  

I named it The Green Monster.  I was on a bit of a Red Sox kick at the time.  (My nephew Jack, who was 3 at the time and is a premium member of the Red Sox Nation was a bit scared of my car because it was a "monster", but imagining the Green Monster running over Yankees in New York made him feel more comfortable around it.)  The Green Monster really makes me happy.  I LOVE driving it and my hearts swells every time I see it.  I paid it off before I adopted Rahul and when times have been lean I've thought of selling it, but I could never bring myself to do it.  And I was juuuuust saying 2 weeks ago that it has never given me a day of trouble. 

Then it suddenly developed 5 separate and expensive problems, and it has spent the last week in the shop.  The repairs cost a large chunk of dough, but thanks to Don Glo Auto (if you need a mechanic in NYC, I highly recommend them) it was a much smaller chunk of dough than the first place was going to charge me.  When Rahul and I went to pick up TGM last night, I hugged the car when I saw it on the street and when I got in I scolded it and told it to never do that to me again.  I was so busy last week and my business revolves completely around my car (I'm a mobile hairdresser).  Sans car I was lugging about 30 pounds of hair stuff all over creation, and although I didn't miss one appointment I was late for about 75% of them.  I was late coming home every night and I missed 3 church services.  And I was pooped.

This morning I had to take Rahul to the doctor, and although the office is right in our neighborhood, we usually drive there.  As we walked past the car, Rahul asked why we weren't driving.  I told him I had learned the value of walking last week.  And I told him he needed to train for a race he's running.  But I realized that in actuality I had some unresolved feelings toward TGM that were making me reluctant to drive it.  So this afternoon I took it for a spin and we made up.  It runs so much better now.

And I know its really sorry for inconveniencing me.

Unsolicited Advice

When I first considered adopting, I had a "pro" list and a "con" list about becoming a mom.  One of the biggest "cons" was that I dreaded having to be in the "Mommy club".  You know, those moms who know it all and are always trying to out-do one another with the best kid; and who always made the uninitiated (non-mothers) feel less-than.  I never had to deal with these women in any other way than to perhaps wait on them in a restaurant or cut their hair.  Becoming a mom meant I would have to deal with them daily.

Well, the pros won out against the cons, and now that I'm a mom I see its really not that bad.  I live in a neighborhood where there are only a handful of these types of moms and most of them don't send their kids to my son's school.  And in my business now, most (95%?) of my clients are moms and I can't think of a single one of them that are in the Mommy Club.  I think I was blowing it all out of proportion. 

But every once in a while I get knocked out by some unsolicited advice from one of these types and its all I can do to hold my tongue.  Actually, its funny, but one of the biggest congregations of the Church of Perfect Parents is this listserv I belong to that is all parents of older adopted children.  I only look at it now when I need a laugh.  Its so insane.  Here's what its like.  When I first adopted Rahul I joined the group and they were in the middle of this bizarre discussion about bathing children from Asian countries and what type of soap worked best on their children's skin.  My first problem with their discussion was that it seemed that none of them had ever MET and Asian person before they adopted one, they were so completely shocked and disturbed by the fact that people who aren't white or Japanese don't bath every day because their skin can get dry.  Deal with it white people! People who have a different color skin than you may need to care for it in a different way than you do! Ai yai yai.  (I didn't even want to think about what was happening with their Black children's hair!)  My other problem with this discussion was the immense length of it! I mean parents were writing pages and pages of blah, blah, blah and I was like, This is at best a 2 sentence conversation. (Q: My child's skin is dry, what do I do? A:Bathe less and moisturize.)  I didn't get (a) how they had so much time to write all this stuff and (b) how they had so much to say about it. I mean, really, people!  Start a blog!

There were a couple of times, though, that I posed a question to the group, when I was really desperate for information.  One time I was looking for a children's book that addressed money (spending, saving), but would be sensitive to children who had grown up in poverty.  Well, I never did get a book recommendation, but I sure did get lots and lots of stories from people about anything having to do with money, poverty, or children.  Another time I asked whether anyone had expereinced thier sons being violent.  I gave no details (nor will I now), but asked that anyone who had that experience contact me offline.  Well I did get a bunch of emails with assumptions (but no actual questions) about what was going on with my son and I got a whole lot of stories about their own heroic journeys with violent children, but no actual helpful connection was made.

And that's my problem with unsolicited advice.  It never does address an actual problem you are having and because its always out of context, it only serves to cut you down, not build you up.  And I guess that's the motivation behind it anyways.  Like my neighbor who didn't like seeing my son walk the dog by himself and told me about how her teenage son wasn't allowed to leave the house alone until he was 13 and then he had to call home when he got to school (literally ONE block from our building).  I smiled and nodded and told her how responsible Rahul is, but what could I say that wouldn't just be more unsolicited advice right back at her?

One thing I know for sure is that we as parents need all the help we can get.  But I think the best help comes in the form of listening and telling each other that we're doing a good job.  We tell ourselves all day how terrible we are as parents and lots of times our kids tell us too.  The last thing we need is another parent telling us the same thing.  I do make it a point to tell my clients who are moms what a great job they're doing.  And I find at least one strength in their parenting that I can encourage them about and take with me to use with Rahul.  And they are so generous to me, always giving me presents or offering encouragement.  And, you know what? It really makes my day.

This is what unsolicited advice looks like--oh, no! It just my son in his Halloween costume.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Salvin

My nephew Jack is what I call a deep thinker.  He's 7 and ever since he started talking he's been astounding me with his sensitivity and profundity.

When he first learned to talk, he would come up to me or any other family member and draw you away from the crowd into another room where you could have a heart to heart talk.  He was mostly speaking nonsense words, but he would draw up next to you in a chair and it was like he was telling you his deepest secrets.

Then when he learned to REALLY talk he would go on and on forever about what it was like in my sister's womb before he was born and at first it was kind of cute and charming.  Then it kinda got creepy.  He sounded so all knowing and he would go on forever that it was like he wasn't making it up.  And finally my sister would have to demand that he stop talking about it!

When he lost his first tooth he called to tell me and after giving me the basic details he went on to ask me (unprompted) about my recent move into a new apartment and what it looked like, how I was doing, etc.  I mean, we as adults have a hard time getting over ourselves long enough to ask how our friends are doing when we have big news. How did this 5 year old get it?

One of my favorite conversations with him took place about 6 months before Rahul came home with me.  Jack was 5 and he and I went for a walk.  And after a while he invited me to sit down for some deep conversation.  He wanted to talk about my adopting Rahul and after a few minutes he said," I want to badopt a child someday.  Because sometimes parents can't take care of their children anymore and then I could take care of them instead."  And he went on and on about the service work he wanted to do for people in need and I sat there floored.  In all the conversations I have ever had about adoption no one has ever so succinctly summed up my own motivation for adopting.

So this weekend when he came to my son's birthday party (YAY Rahul turned 10!!!) we played this game where I made up little clues about each guest and they had to guess who it was.  Jack's was one of the first to be read, and most of the kids didn't know him.  But when the first line of the clue read, "I am a deep thinker..." I could see from Jack's face that he knew the clue described him. Later in the evening he and I were chatting and he had me read him his clue again. And then he told me that he's pretty sure that he gets his deep thinking from me.  Now, his parents clearly have passed this gene to him--they are highly intelligent and very sensitive people.  But I'm glad he sees that we have kindred spirits! 

And all day I have been striving to think the deepest thoughts possible.

Jack and moi

My Top 10 Favorite Lines From When Harry Met Sally

I don't know when it started, but many years back I started accumulated a series of "holiday" movies that I loved watching each year.  They were so special to me that I only wanted to watch them once a year, so I could savor them and anticipate them.  And I have to see them in a certain order. (Oh My God, I just realized that that's a little OCD.  Uh-oh.)

The first one I watch each year is When Harry Met Sally.  I watch it whenever I feel like its really Autumn.  And my film series culminates in my absolute favorite movie of all time, Its a Wonderful Life (please see the title of my blog for proof), which I watch right before Christmas.

So yesterday I watched When Harry Met Sally and remembered all over again how much I love that movie.  And here's why:

10.  "Oh, I've been looking for a red, suede pump!" The perfect excuse to pull over a girlfriend and vent/gossip/discuss while you look like you are perusing the shoe display.
9.  "No one I know would call at this hour." How Bruno Kirby answers the phone in the morning.
8.  "...this stupid, Roy Rogers, garage sale, wagon wheel coffee table!!" Sometimes when I go off on a rant I end with this line, just to get my point across.
7.  "Pecan Piiiie." I can't see pecans or pie without quoting Billy Crystal and his weird accent.
6.  "People were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine."  Aha! Obscure WHMS reference, n'est pas?  Its my favorite line from the vignettes where the couples tell how they met.  I can relate, as I've had a lot of friends that people crossed rooms for.
5.  "Tell me I never have to be out there again." "You will NEVER have to be out there again." Someday someone will say this to me.
4.   "At least you can say you were married." This is how people really think. Its said in response to Sally's friend suggesting she marry a dying man.
3.  "And I'm going to be 40!" "...In 8 years!" I don't think turning 40 is a big deal, but I love this line because I have been there before.
2.  "Sally, please report to me." Right before H and S sing karaoke Surrey With The Fringe On Top, which is the rendition I hear in my head anytime I see Oklahoma.
1.  "Oh, and Baby Fish Mouth is sweeping the nation." Well, my dog is named Baby Fish Mouth, if you didn't know, and my "cool test" when I meet new people is to tell them my dog's name and see if they get the reference.

Baby Fish Mouth (taking a bath)

They Are Special

Today was the 4th Grade "Get Aquainted" day at Rahul's school.  That's the PS 24 version of an Open House--each teacher prepares a short presentation for the parents of their students outlining curriculum and expectations for the year.  For the last two years Rahul has been in General Ed classes with students of some of the most dynamic and involved parents in the school.  Every time parents were invited into his class for an event the room was packed with parents, grandparents, and tons of food!  And I have tried to learn from them what it means to be an "involved parent".

This year I moved Rahul to a Special Ed class and it has so far seemed to be a great move.  I was really looking forward to this morning's meeting, so I could get to know his teacher a little better and see where Rahul sits.  He told me the other day that the class had all written notes to their parents and they were going to leave them on their desks for us to read today.  I love that stuff!

So this morning, I trudged (2 blocks) through the wind and rain to the meeting, and when I walked into the classroom only one other parent was there.  The class is small, there are only 13 students, but I couldn't believe we were the only two people there!  The notes the kids had written to us were laid out on their desks, along with a guide from the teacher and a bookmark she had made up for us.  We waited for a few minutes to see if anyone else was coming, but finally Ms. Vedevino began her presentation.  She opened by reading the poem that was printed on the bookmark, called "Unity" (Author Unknown).

I dreamed I stood in a studio
And watched two sculptors there.
The clay they used was a young child's mind.
And they finished it with care.

One was a teacher; the tools he used
Were books and music and art.
One a parent with a guiding hand
And a gentle and loving heart.

Day after day the teacher toiled
With a touch that was deft and sure,
While the parent labored by his side
And polished and smoothed it over.

And when at last their task was done
They were proud of what they had wrought,
For the thing they had molded into the child
Could neither be sold or bought.

And each agreed he would have failed
If he had worked alone.
From behind the parent stood the school
And behind the teacher, the home.


By the time she finished reading the poem I was choking back a major crying situation because my heart just ACHED for the kids who's parents weren't able to be there.  Of all the kids in the school, these kids need their parents there.  But many of them don't speak English, or don't live nearby, or have to work, and maybe some of them just don't care.  Or believe that they could make any difference.  But as I looked around the room at all the notes these kids had written with the expectation that their parents would be sitting in their seats and learning about their class, and looked up at the presentation Ms. Vedovino had prepared for us, I just wanted to weep.  I wanted to go around and read all the kids' notes and write them a little one back, like I did for Rahul.  I wanted to go to all their homes and talk with their parents and learn what had kept them away today.  I wanted to invite them all over for a playdate.  Except Jose, who Rahul gave a wedgie to yesterday because he was bullying him...oh, OK, Jose, too!

I have already experienced the second rate attention parents of ESL students and Special Ed students receive from the school.  I know we are the quiet wheel and without a little squeak we won't get anything we want for our kids.  And I know that without the unity of parent and teacher described in the poem, our kids won't make it.  I feel prepared to fight the crusade (because if Special Ed in public schools is not a crusade, I don't know what is) and I hope I can drag a few others along with me.  I have become BFF with Manny, the vice-principal in charge of Special Ed, have emailed the PTA presidents, cozied up with the looney school psychologist, I do the ESL teacher's hair (and her daughters')...I'm trying to engage a strong team of people to help my son get through this year.

And I also volunteered to be the room mother. 

Rahul with his grandparents in his class last year

Our Dr. Jane

One of the easiest decisions I ever made was which pediatrician Rahul would go to when he first came home with me.  To choose Dr. Jane Aronson was a complete no-brainer.  She is known as The Orphan Doctor (www.orphandoctor.com) and is a pediatrician who specializes in treating children who have been adopted and have crossed cultures in doing so.  She has made it her business to deeply understand conditions for orphans around the world so as to better treat them here.  (She also founded WWO, wwo.org, to improve lives for children in orphanages around the world.)

So when Rahul arrived on US soil (4/08), one of the first things I did for him was to make an appointment with Dr. Jane.  It seemed that he had received good medical care in India, but I needed to make sure his immunizations were up to date and that he was as healthy as he seemed on paper. 

The day of our appointment was Rahul's first field trip at school, and I really wanted him to be able to go to the Bronx Zoo with rest of his class (he had just started school a few days earlier).  So I met him there and after we had lunch with his class and rode the monorail, we headed out.  Now, at this point, Rahul and I did not speak a common language, so we had only a few words--and a whole lot of gestures--that we used to communicate.  I didn't know the Hindi word for "doctor" and I certainly was NOT going to do the "putting a shot in my arm" gesture to explain where we were going, so I said, "dost", which means "friend".  That's where we're going.  To our friend's house.  Where she is then going to stick big needles in your arm.  Can't wait.

So we arrived and I parked my car in a garage one block from Dr. Jane's office.  Then Rahul refused to get out of the car.  After a few minutes of prodding, followed by a few minutes of threatening, followed by a quick experiment to see if I could lift Rahul out of the backseat (I could NOT), I called my parents.  They were 7 hours away, but they were also the only people in the world that Rahul seemed to like at that time, and I thought they might have some luck convincing him to get out of the car.  So Grammy and Grandpop worked their magic and Rahul got out of the car.  So then we took a few steps along the sidewalk and Rahul sat down on the curb and refused to budge.  Again I tried the prodding, the threatening, the lifting -- nothing.  This kid was going nowhere.  So I called Dr. Jane's office.  Her receptionist was really sweet and smiley and I thought if I could convince her to walk over to where we were, Rahul would feel more comfortable and be inclined to get off the curb and into the office.  She immediately understood what I was asking her to do and why and was happy to come over.  So a minute later, not only does Bubbly Receptionist come walking up the block, but Dr. Jane herself, flanked by two other doctors she was training that day.  Now Dr. Jane is a striking woman, with white, curly hair and brightly colored glasses, and as she led her team across the street to where we were, she had a huge smile on her face and was shouting "Hi, Rahul!" as she walked.  Of course, he immediately stood up and smiled and was happy to go with this fun group wherever they were going, and as we started walking towards her office Dr. Jane sidled up next to me and said, "Is he driving you crazy yet?"  She is an adoptive mom as well and has more experience with the trauma that occurs when an orphan crosses cultures and enters a family than anyone, and I was comforted to know that she didn't judge me--or HIM--because of our behavior that day.

We stepped into the office suite and Dr. Jane started her examination right in the bright, cheery waiting room.  But after a few minutes it was time to move into her office.   She weighed and measured him, checked his pulse (it was racing, he was so scared!), and interviewed me about his habits.  Then it was time for the needles.  She had to draw a lot of blood for testing, and once Rahul realized that's what was coming next he flipped out.  He kicked, screamed, bit, flailed his arms, and ran out of the office and down the hall.  A large, male doctor grabbed him as he ran by and Dr. Jane yelled out, "Papoose him!"  Another person grabbed a contraption that looked like a straight jacket attached to a wooden sled and it took five adults to strap Rahul into it.  Rahul was terrified and called out for me, and I held his head so he wouldn't bite Dr. Jane.  She drew the blood, vial after vial.  And then she was done.  She unstrapped him from his straight jacket and let him run out of the room to be alone and cry in a little heap at the end of the hall.  Then when he was done, he came to Dr. Jane and got a sticker and a hug. 

And then she reminded me that Dylan's Candy Bar was right around the corner from her office.

So off we went to the greatest candy store in the world.  And I was so relieved and strung out that I gave Rahul carte blanche to get whatever he wanted.

I have the receipt from that visit in his scrapbook.

75 dollars.

On candy.

Rahul with his $75 worth of candy

Curses!

I can remember being 16 years old and sitting in a hotel room with 3 younger girls at a dance conference and they were going on and on about how they noticed that I didn't curse and how strange that was.  And until then, I guess I didn't realize how unusual I was!  (Well, I knew I was unusual, just not for my wording!)  And as they dared me to say words and I refused, I realized that I didn't really know where that particular conviction had come from. When I was growing up my parents swore, my pastors swore, my friends swore.  I don't remember anyone telling me it was bad or wrong.  I think it was just always a personal choice based on my own feeling of ickiness when I heard "bad language".  Words are powerful and I believe in choosing them carefully.

I have strong convictions about things, but I'm not someone to go around demanding that the people around me adhere to the same convictions.  I have never asked someone to change their word choices in my presence just because I was offended.  But I did come really close once.

After Rahul was home with me for a few months I started the proceedings to finalize his adoption.  Children who are adopted internationally are usually adopted in their home country, then re-adopted in the US.  I understood it to be a simple process that would take a matter of weeks to complete.  I had been through the extreme document-craziness that is international adoption already, so I was not intimidated by a short list of papers I had to produce.  However, Rahul's finalization dragged on FOREVER.  My lawyer started the proceedings in Manhattan, then realized 3 months later that I lived in the Bronx and therefore had to start the whole process over.  Then I lost a good 2 months because the Bronx lost my fingerprints and I had to do them over (for now the 4th time since starting the adoption.  I never committed a crime, people! How many times do I have to prove it! ) Then to top it all off, once they got all my paperwork filed, the Bronx court wanted to send a clerk to visit me before they would give me a date in court.  I was incredulous that someone ELSE would have to come to my home and verify that I was a fit parent.  I mean, I understood why a social worker (who is trained and qualified to make a judgement on my parenting) would come to visit--and she gave me a raving review 4 out of 4 times!  Now a clerk--someone qualified to file papers, handle legal documents, manage a judge's schedule--- was coming to my home to make sure...what?  What are you going to discover and discern, Oh, Clerk, that no one else has realized before?  That stack of papers six inches thick is not enough information for you?  I was beyond furious. But I had no choice and had to invite her into my home with a smile on my face and let her make her uninformed judgements on me.

From the moment she entered my home it was a disastrous meeting.  She swooped in and the first thing out of her mouth was an incorrect statement about Rahul's birth parents--something that would have been shocking to him if he had understood what she said.  I hushed her and corrected her, but she proceeded to talk to Rahul, asking him if he was happy here.  When he answered (I told him that question was coming and that he could be honest in answering it) that sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't because he missed his friends in India, she scolded him and told him he should be grateful that he was lucky enough to be adopted.  I wanted to vomit, and in fact could not hold food down for days after her visit, it upset me so.  (After she left I gave Rahul a big speech about how he never had to feel "lucky" that he was adopted and told him what an idiot that woman was.)  Then she wanted to talk about why Rahul ran away sometimes.  (He went through a stage during the first few months of being adopted where he would run away--and I would run with him--when he was upset.)  I explained to her that he had moved past that very normal phase and that he had never been out of my sight when he ran off.  Then she started instructing me how to parent based on her personal experience (in a two-parent family with a daughter she gave birth to).  But it wasn't until she started cursing that my blood really began to boil.  She started using language that is NEVER used in my home and I suddenly realized how extremely offensive that language is when it is used in my personal domain.  I think my friends and family must really tone their language down when they're around me because I had never noticed anyone cursing in my home before--nor have I since!  But this woman's language was peppered with words that NO ONE should use in a professional setting.  I have no idea what she said after that (except for something about how my kitchen sink was too small--uh, what?) because my brain was full of this very loud inner voice saying, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" over and over again. It took all my strength to not say that out loud.  

I considered throwing her under the bus afterwards by writing a detailed letter of my experience, but honestly, I was so relieved to have the whole crazy process over with that once I got Rahul's Adoption Certificate in my hands I washed those hands of the whole ordeal. 

Rahul has not really learned to curse yet (although he makes up his own words that sometimes are hilarious versions of curse words, like "shot" and "dannit") and I don't know whether he will have the same conviction about words that I do.  But I am happy that for now I can tell him that there is nothing that comes out of my mouth that he is not allowed to say.